5 Tourists You’ll Find in Wyoming

Black-socks-and-sandals, Hawaiian-shirted, overly hairy, obviously from out of town, camera-around-the-neck tourist

He’s hard to miss. I say he, because no woman in their right mind, or even out of their mind, ventures out in public dressed like the black-socks-and-sandals, Hawaiian-shirted, overly hairy, obviously from out of town, camera-around-the-neck tourist. This may (or may not) be one of the most popular tourist looks, as many men from all over the world feel the need to dress like there’s some sort of secret code to uphold from a sick, twisted, deep, dark online club. A quick Google search on “socks and sandals” will suck you into an internet black hole that might take days from which to recover.

Black Socks Sandals Guy confidently struts his freshly-pressed Hawaiian-esque shirt and bucket hat down Main Street as if he were in a parade of his own. His trusty DSLR camera swings around his neck to rub his coiffed, finely-groomed, hairy, sweaty chest as he continuously searches for the next tourist attraction to photograph. The only picture here that’s hard to get out of our heads is you, Black Socks Sandals Guy. Maybe you should write that down in your traveler’s Midori notebook to ponder later.

You can find Black Socks Sandals Guy reaching into one of his endless cargo pockets to pull out his printed agenda to get to the next street sculpture, city park or Yelp’s recommended ice cream stand. His cargo shorts hold an endless amount of information. His camera is famous for cutting off appendages, especially if you stand next to him at a famous landmark. It can be difficult for him to see through the lens of his camera with SPF 50 running down his red nose. He’s guaranteed everyone on the trip that this one will be like no other.

Maybe Black Socks Sandals Guy knows something we don’t…but we’re guessing not. Black Socks Sandals Guy, we hate to break it to you, but we’re not staring because we’re jealous. We are a bit confused. From your wardrobe choice, it seems you’re a bit confused as well. The weather in Wyoming is perfect for vacation, and that’s one of the hundreds of reasons we live here. You’ve done your research, and you know this! Perfect sandal weather, you think to yourself… If we could all just give you a simple word of advice though, we’d ask for commitment. No, it’s not to come back each summer just to check to see if the buffalo are still as glorious as you remember them. We’d simply ask you to commit to never wearing socks with sandals again. This has been a PSA. Thank you.

Tourist who steals, and/or tries to domesticate, bison upon arriving to Yellowstone

To all of us who live in Wyoming, this one seems like a no brainer: Do not touch the wild animals. 

We get it. The baby bison calf is so fluffy that you wanna die, and you’ve watched countless YouTube videos of how to approach one in distress. Here’s to you, tourist who steals, and/or tries to domesticate, bison upon arriving to Yellowstone.

While sitting in your all-wheel-drive SUV, with your winterized UGG boots, drinking your thermos of Arabica coffee (which is soft, sweet and much fruitier than you ever could have hoped), you finally see that baby bison! With its button nose and bootless, cold little feet, who could honestly call themselves a human being and leave this cute little guy out in the cold to suffer?

You know that the small herd would not accept your recent online doctorate in animal husbandry, so you jump out screaming, “Come to Momma!” flinging that succulent coffee all over your new North Face winter parka. It doesn’t matter though, because at this very moment, you are now hovering over a freezing and near-death, baby bison. You appropriately name him Harambe. Quickly, you open the back hatch of your SUV and buckle Harambe in safely. You don’t want to get a ticket for an unbuckled child. You then proceed to immediately call PETA to set up an intervention with the Yellowstone Office of the Superintendent. It’s turning into a fabulous day, right up until you get throat-punched with a huge fine and thrown in jail for your stupidity.

Dear tourist who steals, and/or tries to domesticate, bison upon arriving to Yellowstone, just, stop. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy. Stop. The American bison weighs around 1,400 pounds and, although he may seem like a docile, overgrown puppy wanting his belly rubbed, he is actually an animal that can be very aggressive and run up to 40 mph (much faster than you). Do us all a favor and stay in your car. From there, you can enjoy the beauty that God has given us from the safety of your heated leather seats. Take home a photo of that cute little calf. He’ll be fine. Yellowstone is an awesome place to visit. Let’s make sure it remains that way.

Wannabe cowboy who wears a Corona straw-hat from Walmart and jeans tucked into his boots

We’ve all seen him. The guy that comes to Wyoming just because he’s always dreamed of being “home on the range,” with his very own pair of boots, a good ol’ fashioned cowboy hat, and his trusty steed, Trigger. If. Only. He. Knew. Sorry, buddy. You aren’t doing a good job of blending in here, pard. You make locals wonder, “Who does this dimestore d-bag think he is?” So, what’s the dead give-away? Well, I’ll give it to you straight.

For starters, your designer jeans should not, I repeat not, be tucked into your boots. Yeah, sure, you picked out some dandies with a fantastic pattern on the tops, but you really should have some pants with enough room in the legs to cover them. We’re just going to assume that you’re walking funny because of all the new blisters on your feet from those brand-new boots. Do us a favor and light your Corona cowboy hat on fire, never showing your face in public with it on again. We may not have too many outlaws around anymore, but your outfit should be a crime.

You can find this cowpoke at everything “cowboy” that your town has to offer. Rodeo? He’s there. Street dances? He was born for them. Trail rides? Is there another way get on your own steed? The local bar with the boys? He can tussle with the best of ‘em. The gun range? His middle name happens to be Colt. Heck, this guy would even herd your cattle and mend your fence for free. He’s a YouTube expert. Just holler. He has new boots and is ready to break them in right.

Wannabe cowboy who that wears the Corona straw-hat from Walmart and his jeans tucked into his boots, we’re flattered that you adore the west and all it has to offer. Quite honestly, we’re pretty fond of it too. And we’re happy that you like the whole cowboy thing. That’s totally fine. Here’s a tip: Money better spent on a hat would be a classic King’s Ropes trucker. It will be better, trust us.

Girl who has no idea where Wyoming is, but is very concerned with taking a good photo of her food

This girl—let’s call her Zoe—was forced to come on vacation with the #fam. There’s no doubt about it. You can tell by her resting frown. The only time it changes to a smile is when Zoe selfies to reassure her followers that her life is just about as exciting as it gets. Mom and Dad are looking forward to experiencing the “great outdoors,” and Zoe is determined to do it in heels, while keeping her makeup and hair #onfleek. *cue typical girly girl voice: “How has it come to this?” she wonders. “What are we, barbarians?”

You may mistake her for some sort of a young diva in town to do a show. But believe it or not, some people dress like Zoe all the time. She’s ahead of the curve. You might see someone who is actually from Wyoming wearing a piece of her outfit later that year, emphasis on the might. She has more jewelry on than Mr. T, and could potentially be carrying around a purse the looks like your weekend bag. No one has ever truly seen what Zoe looks like, because in her circle, it’s a crime to walk outside without your makeup looking #perfect. Also, she may use phrasing that sounds like a foreign language. #duh #getalife

Where can you find her? Next to any open outlet. Her phone is her life. If you see a girl wearing something that you have never seen before at a local attraction, all while looking completely disgusted and fixated on her phone, there’s a good chance it’s a Zoe staying up-to-date on the rest of the world. She may be at all the best tourist stops physically, but she’s really with her friends back home in spirit. #loveyouguys #blessed

Dear Zoe: it’s not the end of the world. Wyoming can be scary in heels, but if you put on some hiking boots, you may just enjoy yourself. Stop using your front facing camera, and capture some of the gorgeous views. And remember, if your phone runs out of juice, it just means you were too busy having a good time. Aren’t you #downforwhatever?

The Californian who comes for vacation, but never leaves because the animals need him for safer space

Typical. You know the type. These “tourists” really want to help all the animals, because, clearly, they haven’t been getting along without them. A trip to Wyoming is just what they needed to really feel “in-tune” with nature and fully realize their purpose in life. All the animals in L.A. are so much better off with the millions of people living there and creating all that smog, right? Are there even are any animals living in L.A., besides toy poodles and the occasional quack, ‘er duck?

So, down to business. Who are these tourists who won’t hesitate to introduce themselves to you and tell you about every single one of their causes? Keep your eyeballs peeled for the “all-natural” type. Sometimes they’ll come with an all-natural smell. You won’t find a scrap of real leather or fur on these philanthropists. They’re sporting the latest in hemp clothing and carrying a Nalgene bottle, because, “Keep that footprint small!”, right? It’s kind of a toss-up between the ones that actually chugged the Kool-aid and the ones that just tasted enough to pollute their minds. You may find that some are still very comfortable flying in a private jet, but are completely ready for you to take that F-350 “Powersmoke” to the scrapyard for recycling.

These tourists are attracted to local coffee shops like flies to a cow pie. The full-on Kool-aid drinkers roll up in Subaru Outbacks, which they drove cross-country to Wyoming. They have to get right to work, learning about the state from the comfort of their booth with Macbooks and caramel macchiatos in hand. Just think of all those poor animals left out in the cold year after year! After a quick message to the BFF back home, a message that goes a little something like this: “It’s true, Brenda, these Wyomingites actually let these animals roam unprotected areas and hunt them for sport at different times of the year. I mean really? Speaking of animals… Disgusting. This place could really use some peace, love, and order. We’re looking into housing today, and then we’re going to do something about this! And just like that, the vacay turns into an extended stay. At this point, it’s all over but the crying for Wyoming.

We like to tell these tourists that Wyoming is a nice place to visit, but we don’t want you to live here. It’s not you, it’s us. We just need some space. Our animals are already happy, and we are too.

Article co-written by Andy Menth and Micah Trampe