5 Most Stupid Criminals from Wyoming in 2015 - Wyoming Magazine


5 Most Stupid Criminals from Wyoming in 2015


5 Most Stupid Criminals from Wyoming in 2015

Wyoming is home to many wonderful things like the Grand Tetons and Old Faithful, but in 2015 the Equality State gave equal time to its fair share of stupid criminals. For a state that boasts the smallest population in the United States this list of five profoundly stupid lawbreakers proves that ignorance has no geographical boundary.

1. “I just need some antacid and an energy drink!”

A lot of people hit up the local dollar store after a night of binge drinking for something to take the edge off a hangover but James Bergeron of Cheyenne hit up the local Family Dollar in a literal and stupid way. After partying down all night with his crazy Wyoming friends, Bergeron took a drunk joyride on Lincolnway. The intoxicated twenty-year-old failed to control his car and careened into a Family Dollar store.

When local police arrived at the scene they discovered that Bergeron’s stupidity went far beyond trying to wax his car with bottles of dollar store shampoo. The happy-but-high motorist was also charged with marijuana possession, no proof of insurance, and driving with a suspended license.

No injuries were reported but a lovely Sham-Wow display was pulverized.

2. “Drop those panties!”

It’s normal for a person to change their underwear every day so stealing seven pairs of panties at least makes some kind of sense. Stealing 1,000 pairs? That seems just a tad obsessive/compulsive. This is exactly what happened last March in Cheyenne when a man and woman got into J. C. Penney’s drawers to the tune of $9,000.

Security cameras in the J. C. Penney store caught an unidentified African-American male and Hispanic female stuffing a plastic bag full of expensive underwear. It wasn’t until the suspects left the store that the staff was able to confirm it was panties that had been stolen.

The crime is definitely a stupid one–especially since no one wants to explain to their fellow inmates that they got arrested for stealing panties–but these criminals at least get bonus points for having good taste. The pilfered panties were of the Flirtitude and Ambrielle brand which clearly demonstrates that these stupid criminals are connoisseurs of crotch-covering cloth.

3. Lothario of the Latte

It takes a real man to whip out his penis in the presence of steaming hot coffee. Apparently, Bruce Booker is that man. In August Booker decided to spice things up a bit at a Casper Starbucks by exposing and subsequently pleasuring himself before a stunned server.

Booker, a white male, told police that the crime was a misunderstanding. He claimed that in the heat of the moment his pants fell down on their own and he was trying to fix them. Surely this happens all the time. It may even be that the Starbucks server repeated his order back so fast that the resulting breeze blew Booker’s pants down. No one knows for sure, but what police do know is that Booker has had similar problems in the past. He admitted as much to the authorities and claimed he was seeking treatment.

When police arrested Booker they also found a marijuana pipe. Perhaps the weight of the pipe in his pocket is what caused his britches to bottom out.

4. Grand Opening Streak

When a new Wal-Mart opens in town everyone wants to check out the free samples of cheese and microwavable burritos. Residents of Cheyenne were rewarded with much more at the grand opening of their new Wal-Mart because Cheyenne cares.

On October 16th shoppers reported seeing a naked man merrily streaking along the highway near the new store. When the highway patrol responded they were unable to locate the streaker who was last seen flapping down Interstate 80 with his nether regions in the wind.

Since Wal-Mart prides itself on low, low prices it is hard to imagine this stupid criminal buying anything that would have required him to surrender the shirt off his back. Perhaps he was protesting the new arrival of the retail giant and simply forgot to bring a sign.

To date no arrest has been made in the case.

5. “Is that a Hereford in your pocket or…?”

Rule number one of committing a stupid crime: wear pajamas. That alone will probably land a criminal on a list like this one. Rule number two: attempt to stuff those pajamas with quality Wyoming beef.

Late in the afternoon of August 18 a man was spotted in a Casper Albertson’s wearing pajamas. This caused some concern among the store’s employees who have obviously never visited the People of Wal-Mart website. They were right to be suspicious as they later spotted the man packing his p.j.s with a large portion of meat.

The authorities were called and this is a good time to state rule number three of committing a stupid crime: after shoplifting meat in a pair of pajamas do not attempt to consume the meat in an alley behind the store. This might be understandable, however, because police did find marijuana on the suspect. Sometimes satisfying those munchies just won’t wait.

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